About me

I’m a 28 year-old physician from Mexico city, finishing my 3rd year of Surgery residency.
I was diagnosed with Anxiety (GAD), Depression (MDD) and, most recently, ADHD.
Ever since I was a child, I remember worrying about everything, and being protective of my little brother. I remember always having a good behavior and doing what my parents said, trying to avoid being a problem.

In School

In school I was a great student, almost straight A’s, but I was always seen as a very chatty girl. I guess it was cute in preschool, maybe middle school, this little girl who wanted to be friends with the teachers. Not so great in High school, even less in Med School.
I found it even harder to concentrate, and my grades started to drop. I remember in class, trying not to distract my classmates, I would write notes, chew gum, solve a little Rubik’s cube… teachers always thought I didn’t want to pay attention, when all I wanted to do is calm my mind so I could pay attention. Obviously it was hard for me to accept I was no longer a great student, but I was still getting things done. It was of great help having friends to study with, because trying to study by my self was an obvious waste of time.
Let’s not forget about punctuality. I remember it was always hard for me to wake up in the mornings, with the obvious awakeness at night. Every morning my parents and brother hurried me up by the door, so we could leave on time for school. When I went to school by myself, when it was all up to me, I never made it on time.
All in all, I made it throught and graduated. Up to now, I hadn’t had any diagnoses.

Becoming an Adult

When I turned 25, I had to face some big changes in my life. My parents separated, I was starting my

Surgery residency, and moving out of my all time home to live with my boyfriend and start an adult life.
This was when I first went to therapy, and when I got my first diagnosis, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I started treatment with an antidepressant. I remember telling to myself “Well this explains a lot!”, and then torturing my self with the question “How come I hadn’t realized this before?”.
Still, I remember my first year as the best one, I was learning to be independent, learning to be a surgeon, feeling great, even joined a Crossfit class and adopted a puppy. There were days when I made mistakes, days when I was so tired I fell asleep even standing up, days when I was late, but I was part of my first year group, I was considered one of the group, I felt normal.
By the end of every year we have to take a final exam, and pass it to start the next year. Well I didn’t pass it. I still had the opportunity to take an extraordinary test, which I did and passed. But my Attendings weren’t happy, evenone at the hospital knew what had happened.
Suddenly I was under everyone’s eye, every mistake was magnified, I was the worst resident, I no longer felt part of the group, suddenly hell started.

By the time I started my 2nd year of residency, I had two diagnoses. For the first time, at 26 years old, I knew what being deppressed felt like.
But let’s rewind a bit, so you’ll know how I got there.

Where it all Began

So, after the exam and before the first year ended, my Attendings and Chief residents had a “talk” with me. To sum it up, I left that office believing I was the worst resident, that all my fellow residents hated working with me, and that no Dr. wanted me to help them in the OR; I also left with a written threat of being let go at any moment in the future year, and with a super puffy face from crying.
I think I cried that whole afternoon, and then, like a good problem avoider, threw it to the back of my mind because I had vacations to think about.
I had two whole weeks of resting, and thinking, OVERTHINKING. I had great plans for those two weeks, I was gonna exercise, do some Marie Kondo around the house, visit my mom, visit my dad… As you’re probably already guessing, none of those things got done. (I know! Talk about ADHDing. I still had no idea.) I started feeling anxious and terrified of returning to the hospital, of the new routine as a 2nd year resident, of being a failure. Mainly I was worried about what everyone would think of me, having to look them in the eye knowing what they all thought of me. My motivation was gone, I no longer enjoyed the things I used to. My brain and I were a mess, all over the place and nowhere at the same time.

Depression

I went to see my psychiatrist and it was official, I had Major Depressive Desorder, I started a new

antidepressant and a psychostimulant to avoid falling asleep during the day.
Ready or not, I became a 2nd year resident and went back to the hospital. If I’m being honest, I had little to no confidence left in me, the gut feeling that used to tell me everything is gonna workout fine was gone, for the first time in my entire life I felt lost.

I literally would identify so much with that phrase. I was getting further and further from the woman I wanted to be. I was finding it even harder to balance the hospital, my house, my family, and more importantly, me.

My Story. Part 3

My 2nd year of Residency was the worst. When I try to look back I can’t even remember all of it, and the bits I remember make me wonder “How did I get through that?”. To put an image in your head, I felt like I was climbing out of a hole while getting stones thrown at me. All year I struggled with healing my bruises and getting up after every fall.
I have no recollection of the first half of the year. All I remember is the numbness, the absolute lack of energy, and the feeling of failure. I know now I needed an antidepressant adjustment, but you know it’s so hard to see past your nose when you’re in the dark. I was having anxiety attacks and crying almost all the time, I never had a specific reason, I just remember every problem I ever had feeling so present and so big.

Glimpse of Light?

Finally in august, I visited my psychiatrist. As I’ve mentioned before, I hate causing problems, I try to avoid that kind of confrontation; so I never take a sick day or ask for any kind of permission. Well this time I was hitting rock bottom, and even though it’s very hard to leave my responsabilities at the hospital (because of the logistics), I chose me. Despite everything, at the end of that day I had a glimpse of light and a bit of motivation, along with an increase in the dose of my antidepressant.
Let’s remember I am only explaining my side of the story, and how I felt. Everyday I tried my best, despite every failure and every lecture I got for not being on time. Despite whatever symptoms I was having, day to day problems, and zero motivation, I always showed up. I always accepted every punishment, I was never rude to anyone, and everything I did was my best at the moment.

I’ll pause the story a bit to explain that part about being late. So that’s MY MAIN PROBLEM. For all these years it’s been that either I was too tired to even listen to the alarm, or I felt extremely unmotivated to even get out of bed (seriously I wouldn’t even shower), or even if I woke up on time, my time management skills did not help me. So, even if I was 3 minutes late, there were consequences. And I understand, I know it is important, it shows discipline, respect, and even how seriously you take your job.

Now back to the story, so I was in this vicious cycle of being a bit motivated, trying my best, fail, feel awful, get punished, loose motivation. That, along with the numbness of depression, had me living like a zombie. For about 3 months I had periods where I wasn’t allowed to enter an OR, where I was divested of my duties as a resident, and where I felt ignored.

Clearly no one had any idea of what to do with me, not even myself, I was a weeping mess.

A Break and ADHD

Fortunately, in december I was called to the hospital’s Chief of Education office. I was afraid, I thought I was in serious trouble. What actually happened shocked me, I was told I had to rest and was removed of my duties and responsabilities as a resident. I had to go everyday to the hospital, I could just be reading and studying, and I had appointments with a psychiatrist and a psychologist of the hospital, everyweek.
An important thing that happened during that break, was my ADHD diagnosis, but it wasn’t easy to get there. First I passed the weeping stage, then I had to control my anxiety and my depression. The psychiatrist told me I could have Teatment – resistant depression, but I also needed to get my thyroid checked. I remember that moment very well, because I left the hospital thinking “Suddenly I have all these illnesses, I am so defective”. Thankfully that wasn’t the case, my thyroid was working fine. When my anxiety was under control it was clearer that it in fact was ADHD.
As I am writing and reading all this, it seems like a very appealing offer, and don’t get me wrong it was a good break. I got to sleep and think about what was happening, for that month and a half I didn’t feel like a failure, I was removed from an environment that didn’t feel good to be in. Obviously, the result was seen as an improvement, I wasn’t a walking zombie anymore.

Now what?

But it was only a month and a half, my symptoms got better but I wasn’t cured. I felt an immense pressure to do everything right and, on top of that, I felt like I owed something to everybody to make up for the time I missed. On February 1st my time was up, I had to go back to finish my second year and start the third. To the same environment, the same people, the same vicious cycle.

Catching up

Sooo, it’s been what seems like forever, and I think I’m ready to continue with the story.
There are many reasons why it took me so long to write again, and I will get to them, but I want to explain some things first.
We are two years away from where we left off in the story, so this might not be as detailed, but I’ll try to take you through one year at a time. Right now, almost at the end of my residency, I look back and it seems like it all happened too fast.
Also consider I feel I am in a different place right now; so, I might sound different to you.

New beginning

So, I was about to start my third year of residency, this time I felt I had a new opportunity to do better, to be better. New mindset, new beginning. I think I started out just fine, but as the weeks passed the tiredness started to build up.
That is something I’ve noticed, if I don’t have a consistent sleep cycle it gets harder for me to wake up in the mornings. And keeping a consistent sleep cycle is very difficult when you have night shifts. Also considering I am, what would be called, a night owl; even when I wake up early, I always get a boost of energy approximately at 11pm.
What I remember from that year was mainly just the feeling of getting through, I didn’t feel like I was under every one’s eyes anymore, so that was good, but I definitely didn’t feel like I was at my best. I still wasn’t in a good place with myself.

Love yourself first

So I decided it was time to focus on myself, to make myself a priority, to find out what my mind and body needed, and I decided to start this journey.

I became a fan of self love, self care, meditation, and inspirational quotes; something I never would have imagined, since I always was a rational, science based person.
I’m telling you, getting in touch with that “spiritual” part of me changed a lot, but that is a topic for another post.

Misunderstood

Also, at that time I remember feeling very misunderstood, I wanted to raise my voice and share my story, I wanted to know I wasn’t lonely, that I wasn’t the only one going through the same struggles, and I wanted to help others understand that same thing.
I started just sharing bits of me on Instagram, and then started writing for this blog.

I wanted to know all there was on anxiety, depression and ADHD, and I wanted to find a way to make me feel better, to function better.

I must confess I left my studying to the side, I still went to the hospital and kept all my responsibilities, but when I was out of the hospital, I only focused on me. It was reflected on my grades, but I passed the tests, and it was worth it. I am worth it.
I started feeling better just by sharing, by being heard, and being understood by all of you.
You can check out what I was exactly going through since Nov 2019, on my Instagram.

More trouble

I don’t know why, but every end of the year seems to bring me trouble. And yes! You guessed it, it was for being late.
At this point in my life a different chip turned on, and I didn’t feel sad or disappointed on myself, what I felt was anger. I wasn’t going to let anyone make me feel worse than what I already was making myself feel, for knowing I was not meeting everyone’s expectations.
Like I’ve always said, I know the difference between right and wrong, it’s just difficult for me to always get things right, even if that is never my intention.

Quitting?

Yes, I thought of quitting. I didn’t want to be observed and pointed at again. I wasn’t going to go through that a second time.
It was January 2020, and after many conversations, I was presented with three main options: Take a break for a year and return to do the third year again (when I only had one month left to finish it), finish the third year and then take the year break to return for the fourth year, or just continue. I truly didn’t want to continue, I didn’t want to go back to the same mindset, of being a failure, of being everyone’s worst example.
But the more I thought and talked about it, I realized I was giving them an easy way out, I was solving their problem of not having to deal with me, while holding back on my future, on my goal, on my dream.

The world changed

While I waited for March to arrive, so my third year of residency would be over, I thought and weighted out my options. But with March came Covid-19, and suddenly everyone had something else to think about.
The world had change forever.